An Unexpected Connection

Today we veered from our scheduled plans. A Saturday that was going to be used to do returns and exchanges of school clothes, last few purchases of items needed for school emergency kits and a lot of house projects, instead became a special memory for our family, a milestone for the girls and their Dad.

We've had countless conversations about their Father, Mike. I have talked openly about him with my twin girls from the time they could talk. I have always tried to keep that delicate balance of their age, explaining things in ways that they could grasp while trying to not create any fear or lack of security in their lives and future.

As the girls have grown, so too has their curiosity and need to understand more of why they were not able to ever know their Dad. They know their Dad, Mike, was genuine, kind, compassionate, smart, funny & very talented. They know their Dad and I loved each other very deeply. They know their Dad and I struggled for twelve years, trying so hard to have a child, but that our dream was never fulfilled during our life together. They now also have a basic understanding of what the disease called cancer is capable of, but know that not all forms or cases will cause death. I've given them as much of the picture and as much of an understanding of who Mike was and what he was like as I could.

Still, understandably, we've had many moments or nights where one or both of my girls sob, saying over and over, "I just wish I could meet my Daddy," "I just wish I could have known my Daddy," "I miss my Daddy so much!" Yes, this may be the one thing that is more painful to me than Mike's passing... trying to console and comfort our children knowing that I am the one that brought them in to this world after Mike was already gone. I know in my heart I made the right choice, Mike & I talked about it before he passed and I have consulted and had many hours of counseling to try to understand and do all I can to support them as they journey through this life. I know instinctually, the best thing I can do is just love them, listen to them and try to help them understand the story of our family.

Recently, the questions have been a little more specific. They have asked where he was when he died, who was there with him, and other details. I have encouraged them to ask me anything they want to know or have wondered about. Friday night the topic came up that I knew would come about at some point. K asked me what happened to their Dad once he died. This wasn't a conversation about heaven, that one we have discussed many times, but she asked what happened to his body once he died. We had a whole conversation about our general customs of a funeral, etc. As the conversation continued we talked about cemeteries and grave sites.

I have taken my girls to Mike's gravesite many, many times when they were younger. I guess I stopped taking them at 2-3 years old, once they were old enough to start questioning why and what was at this place we kept visiting. Getting back to our talk this Friday, both K & C understood the concepts of funerals, cemeteries, but associated them with things they have seen in movies, in books, on TV. Their mind hadn't connected that these are standard customs in our society and of course these things happened following their Dad's passing also. K was very interested and began asking if their Dad was at a cemetery, if we could visit his gravesite, etc. I answered a lot of their questions and tried explaining that we could visit the cemetery any time they were ready, but also discussed that it was perfectly okay if they were nervous or if we didn't do it until sometime later.

Before I knew it, we had our plans for today adjusted. C & K were so excited to visit Mike's gravesite. They were full of wonder and longing to see something tangible, rather than just hearing about it. I handled it all pretty lightly the first half of the day, thinking they may get nervous and wanting them to know it was okay if now wasn't the time to go. But, they never wavered and looked forward to it all morning.

They both said they thought they would cry a lot, but surprisingly neither did. I think this was the right timing and really good for both of them. When we first walked up, they both stood there & stared. Right away they both started commenting that they liked that he was under a tree and that you could hear the waterfall over at the little lake. We cleaned their Dad's headstone & trimmed a tiny bit of the grass around it. I could see their pride as they cleaned every speck they could and touched it with there bare hands. We had a blanket on the grass as well as stoools to sit on, but I found they both wanted to sit on the actual grass for a while, sitting on the soil that was their Dad's final resting spot. We placed red roses in the vase and the girls each laid a single red rose on Mike's headstone. It was a happy occasion and the girls said they want to keep visiting and wanted to keep their Dad's gravesite nice. I know this fulfilled something in them in a very positive way.

While driving home they both expressed how glad they were that they got to visit their Dad. K said she feels like she finally got to meet him, even though they couldn't talk. We have always said that their Dad is around us all the time, watching over us and that he can be felt within our hearts. Both K & C said that they could feel their Daddy was there with us, not just in our hearts, but moving among us during our visit. They both know that space only contains Mike's remains, not his spirit, but I can see there was something very healing in the tangible sense, that this is what remains of their Dad, a place that they can see and something they can touch.

While my intentions were to fulfill my girls' growing curiosity and understanding of their Dad's death, I had no idea that this would give them such a sense of connection with Mike, something that they never thought they could experience. I am so very grateful. Another one of life's little moments... much thanks for this gift to C & K. It was a beautiful experience for each of us, I imagine for Mike too.