Baby Quest - Part 2

After three IVF cycles, two mock cycles and one miscarriage, we took a short time out to catch our breath. While our minds never strayed from our dream of having a child, we did want to feel a little normalcy again and give some thought to our next move.

One thing we were so fortunate to have was a group of five to six couples we knew that had also gone through their own infertility journeys. I’m such a believer that it is a human instinct to be empathetic and to try to help each other. We were surprised and very touched by how many friends or people we worked with that reached out to us to share a story of someone in their life that had also faced challenges in having a child. There was almost a universal offer to put us in touch with them to see if it could be beneficial to us and our journey. From that, we gained a special circle of friends that understood the world we now found ourselves in. Mike and I were so grateful for each of these cherished connections. Fortunately for each of the couples, they had found a path that worked for them and each were able to have that child or in some cases multiple children they dreamed of. It was a gift having their support, knowledge and the sense of hope that we too would be able to expand our family with a child.

At that time two of the couples had successfully adopted children from Russia. Mike and I had talked about adopting a child, and we both supported the idea as a possible option. I was especially interested in exploring this idea, given I am part Russian. We did our research and decided that NIA, a local international adoption agency (this was one that one of the couples had used) was the right choice for us. By January 2000 we were on our way, working through all of the bureaucratic requirements for international adoption. During this time we were involved in a beautiful community of families that had adopted from Russia, sometimes adopting two or three children, often a set of siblings. We met many children from the Russian orphanages that were part of a program that toured the U.S. to help promote Russian adoptions for the many available children. They touched our hearts, we were committed and very excited. Vladimir Putin had become the Russian President around this time and became very concerned about the number of international adoptions that were taking place. Putin halted all international adoptions and pledged to change the adoption laws to make it more difficult to adopt. We were frustrated and so disappointed. We were told the "freeze" on adoptions was likely to only last six months or so, that NIA had a long history with Russia and would likely get through the accreditation process quickly and it was possible that international adoptions would be active again within a year. We kept thinking, "A year? A year?" That seemed like a lifetime, we were so anxious and at this point impatient, so we sadly walked away and looked at other options.

The attorney we worked with at NIA was a partner at a law firm that also handled domestic adoptions. We had a wonderful relationship with the NIA attorney and felt comfortable meeting with one of his partners to look in to our options in pursuing a domestic adoption. We liked Mr. B and his adoption practice as it was affiliated with a church. Mike was raised Catholic and I was raised exposed to both Christian and Jewish faiths. As adults, we both considered ourselves Christian, but we were much more "spiritual" and did not chose to participate in a structured religion. Contrary to our choosing to not participate in a religion, we did believe it was important for our children to be exposed to our faith and to later allow them to explore and find their own beliefs as we both had. We intended to find a church with our same values and foundational beliefs once we had a child so we could raise our children in an environment where church attendance and a church community was part of our life.

When we started with Mr. B, we had the specific discussion regarding our faith. We were told their practice was a faith—based group and that most of the situations they handled involved young girls that had become pregnant. We were told in most cases the girls’ parents were heavily involved in the adoption placement process and they usually have a preference for couples that belong to their church or have a similar religious practice. In short, we were told our lack of belonging to a church may hurt our chances. We felt we had so much love to give and a wonderful upbringing to offer and that surely our chances were as good as any other couples. Given the chance to speak with a family about adoption, we were confident they would see our character and understand that we do all hold the same foundational values.

Signing up with Mr. B's practice entailed a letter to the potential birthmother introducing us, explaining why we are choosing adoption and what we feel we have to offer to a child. It was an interesting concept, having to sell ourselves and convince someone that we were worthy of being parents. For me personally, this was another one of the very painful parts of my infertility experience. So many people just get pregnant, so many pregnancies occur as an accident, so many people are never questioned or judged to determine if they are worthy of being a parent. I fully understand why this is so in the adoption setting, I really do get it, but it is one more thing that can stigmatize those unable to just “get pregnant and have a child”, one more of the things for me that made me feel different or “other”. I knew this was just the way it works, I had these feelings, but of course I just moved forward towards our big goal of having a child. I pushed aside or buried these feelings, and I was off writing my best version of our letter, using photos that I felt put our very best forward, selling ourselves to our potential birthmother.

We were told to be patient, that it could take quite some time or we may be lucky and have a situation come up quickly. We were told to check back in regularly to ensure we stayed fresh in the placement person's mind. Several weeks passed, I regularly did our check ins and was continually told "nothing yet, to keep checking back." Over time, the check ins became more spread apart, that initial excitement and enthusiasm we had lived with for song long had lessened a bit and we did begin to focus our energy on other things that were going on in our life at that time. I believe an entire year passed and we were never matched with a birthmother. We had a couple sit downs with the placement person during this time as we were concerned with the lack of activity. She assured us that she was showing us to birthmothers. She would tell us about birthmothers that they were currently working with, but again we were never once selected.

This left us completely scratching our heads. We initially felt there was no chance she was being honest and showing us as she continued to tell us she was doing. We had not been picked even once, not even for a first level meeting with a birthmother. We felt hurt, we even went so far as to think that because we were not members of their church or their community we were not being shown as much as other potential adoptive parents that were part of their group. We realized this was an emotional reaction, we tried to be realistic in that it was possible, but probably a bit unethical and not the case. Who knows why this process was such a dead end for us, but it just was not the right path and after about a year with Mr. B.'s practice we removed ourselves from their adoptive families list. From this, I know I again felt I was an outsider of the group (why was I not able to be a mom like so many others), I was not chosen by a birthmother and it fed in to my feelings of "not being good enough". I know I again pushed aside and buried these feelings. Mike and I both brushed ourselves off and moved forward to see what was next.

We had many other things that were going on in our life during that time. We had some great opportunities and experiences with career, family, selling and buying a new home, some wonderful travel... it was actually really nice to enjoy life without the baby plan running in the background for awhile. At a later point we did of course come back to our yearning to become parents. We revisited our options and decided to go back and try IVF again.

We went back to work with Dr. W. in early 2004 There was a comfort in being back in a familiar place, with familiar people in a process that we were also familiar with. Things moved quickly, the shots, the harvesting, the transfer and before we knew it, the pregnancy test. We were so overjoyed, once again I was pregnant! We were so hopeful this time it would be different, but again early on my numbers were not climbing like they were supposed to. We were more guarded with our emotions this time, almost prepared for the worst, but found ourselves devastated once again as this ended in my second miscarriage.

We had planned to try again right away, but Mike had begun to experience some symptoms that needed to be addressed. In July 2004 Mike was officially diagnosed with bladder cancer. After several treatments, a couple procedures and surgery he was finally in remission as of October 2004. We were so grateful, we both had a whole new outlook and a new lease on life. Mike had been through so much in such a short period of time, but he was so enthusiastic to move forward in life and we began planning our next attempt to have a child.

We loved the idea of second chances and wanted to offer a wonderful life full of love and opportunities to a child. We wanted to give a child a second chance, we wanted to again pursue domestic adoption. We did our research, this time looking at using an adoption facilitator (one that matches birthmothers with adoptive parents and helps facilitate the adoption process). We decided to go with a facilitator we'll call UA. This time I prepared an entire photo album that we felt captured Mike and I, our marriage, as well as the type of life we felt we had to offer to a child. I also prepared another letter to our potential birthmother. This time my mind was in a different place and I truly enjoyed the process. I really didn't concern myself with being judged or what a potential birthmother may or may not think about us.

We were matched with a birthmother within weeks... we'll call her S. She was very troubled and had lived quite a life in her last couple years, but we believed at heart she was a good person that got caught up in some really unfortunate things. We supported her and went through a 4+ month rollercoaster ride with her. There were lies, there was always drama, we were not naive, we were very aware of what her life was all about. What seems surprising (even to me now) is that Mike & I were two very bright people putting up with this nonsense, knowing she was playing us to the hilt, but we continued to do what we needed to do. We just had to hang in there until the day that the baby would be born. It's strange when you are in it, we had a baby in our future and it seemed we could take almost anything that came at us by this point because we wanted a child so, so badly.

A baby girl we named (I will call her M here) was born on July 25, 2005. She was beautiful and perfect. While we did have some turmoil with S when taking the baby home from the hospital, it did appear that our dreams had finally come true. Our life and hearts were so full, we fell in love with this little girl before we ever left the hospital. We had M for just over a month. S revoked her placement agreement within her 30 day window under California law. After a series of court hearings, M was ultimately placed with her biological grandmother who became her guardian. Mike and I had both fully bonded with M, we were both absolutely devastated.

UA was very empathetic to our heartbreaking experience and I believe they told us they had only seen this happen (having to give the baby back a month later) one other time. They were quick and had us matched with another birthmother right away. We were still a bit lost after just losing M, but before we knew it we were meeting with a new birthmother in a completely different situation.

This next birthmother I'll call D. D's life was very "normal" by typical standards. She was married, had two great kids but had recently gone through a divorce. She ended up with a man that took her in the wrong direction for a short time, but she had already removed him from her life by the time we met her. We immediately liked D, as well as her mother that she was currently staying with. These few months were completely opposite of our prior experience with S. We were so happy to support D and she did everything she could to have us enjoy all we could experience along the way. Her baby was born on October 2, 2005. This time we decided to not take the baby home from the hospital. It was a very difficult choice, but the birthfather came in to the situation at the last minute. We had reliable information that he was going to cause problems. He would have the same parental rights to take the baby from us and we could not go through a repeat of the heartache we had with M. This was so tough, we still didn't have closure over giving M back and here we were with another baby that could potentially be taken from us. We just couldn't go through with it. We knew we hurt D, she didn't know what to do. She had no plan in place to take a baby home from the hospital. We helped her get set up before she went home so she had some necessities for a while. We also got in touch with UA to see if another adoptive couple might be available. Within a few days there was another couple that had their dreams answered. It seemed all had worked out okay.

We kept in touch with D as we felt we should help her all we could given that we backed out of our agreement. We received a call from UA that D had contacted the new adoptive parents and wanted her baby back. We didn't know anything about this. It had only been two days, but we still felt so bad for the adoptive family knowing it must have been emotionally devastating for them. UA was able to eventually get them matched with another birthmother and my understanding is that all went well and they ended up with a child.

Once D had her daughter back she did get in touch with us. She said she decided to keep her and raise her. Not at all a typical story following a potential adoption situation, but to this day (for more than 12 years now) I still have some contact with D, her mother and I get occasional pictures of D's daughter, F. I purposely have not met with them in person, but we have talked on the phone and exchange letters every so often. D and her mother are wonderful people, and F is happy & healthy, living what sounds like a typical 12 year old's life.

We were still under our two year contract with UA and they contacted us with another birthmother situation in January 2006. We were in the very early stages with this birthmother, I'll call her A. At that time Mike began having symptoms again. In February 2006 we were given the shattering news that Mike had been diagnosed with a recurrence of bladder cancer. Back in 2005 we thought Mike was cancer-free, but we then knew that his cancer was actually in remission. We informed UA and UA gave the news to A. To our surprise, A still wanted to move forward with us for the adoption placement. She said she had a feeling about us, that it was still the right thing for her baby. Our experience with A was fine, at this point it felt almost routine. She was sweet and very young. On May 16, 2006 A's baby girl was born. This time A contacted us from the hospital the next day crying, letting us know that she had decided to keep her baby. We were preoccupied with Mike's health and being that this was our third round with a birthmother and her newborn, we had stayed completely guarded this time, probably somewhat detached. We assured her it was okay, that we understood & wished her and her baby all the best. Mike and I told each other, "No it really was okay, we're good, we're out".

We quickly moved on to address Mike's illness. With treatments, clinical trials and surgeries the cancer was stabilized for a period of time. We knew Mike couldn't be cured, but his survival was open-ended as long as we could keep the cancer stable. We enjoyed the next year trying to live every day to the fullest. In June 2007 Mike took a bit of a turn and had one thing after another happen until it seemed we could not keep ahead of all he and his body were fighting. Mike went through so much, he fought so hard with so much dignity. Then, on August 19, 2007 Mike passed away peacefully while I help his hand, surrounded by his loved ones. My life and the person I was would be forever changed. My losing Mike was more painful than I could ever describe.

Next... More than a year later I was analyzing what my life without Mike might hold. My desire to be a mom still existed, that did not go away with Mike's passing. After much consideration I jumped in and began to explore giving it another try on my own.