Baby Quest - Part 1

A few years back I reached out to my infertility doctor and a few others from my infertility journey offering to be a resource to speak with couples or individuals going through their own infertility challenges. I had thought back to all Mike and I went through and how much it put us at ease to connect with someone who had been through something similar, someone that "got it". In a world where it feels so isolating that you are not just "normal" like everyone else, it helped so much to know others on the same journey, having that support and their insight in to what would lie ahead as we traveled down the many paths unknown. Because that support meant so much to us, I felt that giving back, using my experiences as gifts to share with others, was something I was drawn to. I want to use this platform also, part of my motivation for creating PaygeAllison.com, to open up the conversation and see where it might go. I'll share a bit of our journey here, hoping that some area, IVF cycles, miscarriages, international adoption, failed domestic adoptions, surrogacy or some other part of the infertility world may resonate with you or someone you might want to pass this along to.

I look back over the 12+ years Mike and I struggled and desperately tried to start our family. I'm almost surprised by how many different things we attempted, but every time something did not work, we barreled forward seeking out another option, barely looking back. Again and again we tried and each time we were convinced that "this is the one", this time it is going to work. Sadly back then, it never did. I did realize much later that neither of us really dealt with the let down, the loss of that hope that each specific attempt held. I think this is the case for most couples that endure multiple attempts without a successful pregnancy. These extreme highs and lows, over and over, it can also take a toll on the most solid partnerships and without question, it can chisel away at the strongest of individuals going through it. When I play things back in my mind, it is almost like watching a movie that I have seen before, seeing all of the familiar scenes and faces, almost as if I am watching someone else's life, but it was our journey, it was my life, it is the precious and rich path that I lived that got me to where I am today. I am so thankful that we never gave up hope.

Mike and I were married in 1992. We purposely waited a couple years to enjoy time together before kids, then decided we were ready, it was time to get pregnant. I still chuckle at myself each time I think back on our start. A bit naive, but also maybe some sort of premonition, I went in to see my gynecologist, excitedly telling him that we were ready to have a child. I asked him if there was anything I could do, anything he would recommend regarding my health that would help to make it the best scenario for my pregnancy. I also asked him if I could be tested, if I could be checked to see if there might be anything going on with me or if I was low or lacking in anything that may interfere with my ability to have a child. My doctor at that time somewhat laughed and told me, "Well, it doesn't work that way." He of course gave me general health advice about diet and exercise. He also told me that there are not any tests or exams to be done prior to pregnancy. He said you get pregnant, then you come in and the prenatal care begins. He said if we tried to get pregnant for a year without any success, what was considered at that point by the insurance companies as an "infertility issue", we could then start exams and tests to see what might be going on. I thought it a bit odd that there wasn't anything basic or standard that could quickly detect possible issues up front, but this was all new and we were so excited, we accepted his answer and just moved on.

We arrived at our one year mark. We had tried several natural methods of trying to get pregnant, but each month, no pregnancy. The following year involved the many tests and exams to try to isolate what the infertility issue might be (as many of you know, they are lovely, all modesty out the window). It took quite a while to find an answer. I had a friend that had been through infertility treatments and she asked me if I had had one specific test yet, I told her I hadn't. She said it probably should have been one of the first tests I had. I spoke with my doctor (a different doctor that was much more sensitive to my situation and generally a much better match for me), had the test done and sure enough, my answer, both of my fallopian tubes were blocked (corneal blockage). Without getting in to the details, this made me a perfect candidate for IVF (simply bypass the tubes), as the option of attempting surgery to correct the blockage, etc. had lower odds of ending in a successful pregnancy than the odds of using IVF process.

After our research and meeting a few infertilities doctors, we were so fortunate to find Dr. W. All roads led to him, we knew several couples that had successful pregnancies working with him and we knew the day we met him, he was the one for us. Our first IVF attempt was in 1998. At the end of our first attempt, no pregnancy. We were let down of course, but we were so filled with optimism and knew we may not be one of the lucky couples that had success with our first attempt, we summed it up as, "okay, just try again." We rushed in to our next attempt. I don't recall if this order is correct, but I believe this was when we did our first mock cycle. Our doctor was trying to adjust medications and hormone levels to see if we could create better conditions within my body in hopes that the next time the pregnancy would stick. Whatever we had to do, we thought, let's do it.

Women have different experiences with the shots and injection areas and always seem to talk about it or ask each other about it. I was somewhat lucky or maybe just very tolerant, I had a lot of soreness and bruising that became a normal part of life, but the only time I really focused on the "ouch" was after the transfer was done. When those post transfer injections had to be done. Trying to continually inject in a spot slightly aside from any of the recent injection sites was always a growing challenge. The area, about 3" or so in circumference, was one big bruise. Speaking in complete layman's terms - for me and probably most women, once an area was used, the medication (mine was thick and oil-like) did not inject as easy, took longer to insert and I would naturally tense up because I knew what was coming which made it worse. Not a real big issue, but when asked how the post-transfer shots went for me, I always recall the dread and energy it took to re-focus and try to relax over the time it took to empty the syringe.

We tried IVF again in 1999. This time, pregnant! We couldn't believe it, but remained cautious knowing those first weeks were very unpredictable. My numbers were growing slow from the beginning, not multiplying like they were supposed to, but there still was a pregnancy holding on. We didn't really focus on the reality of low numbers, we just held on thinking it has to work, this time was the one. We were cautiously optimistic, but probably a bit more optimistic focusing on the magic, not the reality. I had a feeling I had longed for for so long... I was able to tell myself, "I'm pregnant, finally, I'm pregnant. Please stick! Please stick! Please stick!" We knew that the odds were against the pregnancy sticking at that point, but we held on hoping for the best. I miscarried around the end of the first month. I remember that precise moment when the reality hit that the pregnancy was gone. Involuntary sighs... Mike and I looked at each other, both with tears in our eyes. It was over. We allowed ourselves a full day of sadness and that next day shifted our thinking back to the next try and what the next option would be.

We tried again towards the end of 1999, feeling that we were so close, we could do this, we knew we could do this. Our third try didn't work. Again, no pregnancy. We were heartbroken at that point. I think we may have then done one more mock cycle in anticipation of additional IVF tries, but we decided to take a break, to give our emotions, as well as my body a break.

Next... we shifted gears. We learned about international adoption, explored that, as well as domestic adoption.